Who needs Vegas when you can Double Down at KFC?

Today, April 12, 2010 marks the day that the Double Down sandwich from KFC emerges from test markets in the Deep South and takes hold in every KFC restaurant in the United States. This monstrosity consists of two slices of bacon, two slices of Monterey Jack cheese, and Colonel’s sauce (whatever the hell that is), all wrapped up in two fried chicken fillets as the bun. If there were ever a KFC in Hell, this would be on their Dollar Menu.

The real Double Down, not the glamourized version you see on TV, with an apple for size comparison.

Hang on a second, let’s recap. Two pork products, two dairy products, and two pieces of chicken in one edible unit. It’s basically Noah’s Ark in a cardboard box. With a sandwich so obviously horrifically bad for you, let’s have a look at the nutrition numbers, and I use the term “nutrition” loosely:

Basically, you'd get equal nutrition from a slice of cheesecake sprinkled with a heavy pinch of salt and topped with an egg yolk.

Being the dedicated blogger that I am, I decided to venture out and purchase a Double Down to try for myself, so you all can experience eating this thing with me, without the atherosclerosis of actually eating it. You’re welcome.

"Should I? Shouldn't I?"

Will I eat it?

Oh yeah, I follow through.

The initial reaction to the first bite was actually quite good, if only for the enormous quantities of salt and fat. The bacon and Colonel’s sauce were unrecognizable through the flavors of the chicken and pepper jack cheese, which were actually surprisingly spicy. I enjoyed that. Texture-wise, it was a complete failure. We’re used to soft, chewy bread in our sandwiches, and the chicken just didn’t cut it. The bacon was chewy and stringy, and the damn cheese looked and tasted like melted legos.

You don’t have to look at a Nutrition Facts label to know that this shouldn’t be eaten as a substantial meal. Two bites into it, my stomach felt queasy and I had an insatiable desire to lie on my couch and watch COPS in a white wife beater. I couldn’t force myself to eat the rest of it, so now the dilemma is what to do with the remains of the Double Down. Maybe I’ll leave it on the lawn and see if animals will touch it.

The only way I can see this sandwich being useful is if they used it as a replacement to those high-energy biscuits that they hand out to disaster victims. I bet these are much tastier, and these will fatten the hell out of anyone who eats a few of them. Just grind up a multivitamin in there and you’re set.

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8 responses to “Who needs Vegas when you can Double Down at KFC?

  1. LOL I loved the way you described it all.
    I have never been a KFC fan.

  2. dumbassshit

    • Thanks, everyone for the potsviie comments. I’m glad to hear you’re all going to have fun on Tuesday voting for your candidates. marisworld, we have a national election every 2 years. In 2008 was our presidential election. This year, we’re voting for our House and Senate reps. Many of us have state and local elections this year, too. Jo, you’re so right. I don’t get it myself, why people won’t vote. The argument about my vote not counting is so lame. Manzi, they’re forever frozen in my brain as being that young. I saw Paul and Ringo on a Larry King show the other night. They still looked like young to me. But then we’re young, too. 🙂

  3. Cool Adventure

  4. Ewwwwwww!!! I didn’t know you blogged!

  5. The double chin results. And the double stomach.

    http://tinyurl.com/fish-swallow

  6. Feels like a leather sheet sandwich on Friday night. Here you can buy leather sheets for all your meaty scenes!

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